


Ain't Nothing Left But The Crying

by Reddwarfer



Category: Marvel (Comics), Marvel 616, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Civil War 2, Cosmic Cube, Dubious Consent, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Getting Together, Grief/Mourning, Hopeful Ending, Hydra Cap Fix it, I hate the idea of hydra cap, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, So I'm fixing it, Tony Stark Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-16
Updated: 2016-09-16
Packaged: 2018-08-15 09:52:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,015
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8051773
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Reddwarfer/pseuds/Reddwarfer
Summary: Tony can't do anything to get Rhodey or Bruce back, but Steve? Steve he can save.





	Ain't Nothing Left But The Crying

**Author's Note:**

> There's a scene that uses dialogue from Civil War 2 #4.  
> References: Spiderman #8, Pleasant Hill, very vaguely alludes to the incursions, Civil War 1. 
> 
> At the time of writing this, Civil War 2 #4 was the latest thing released.
> 
> Major spoilers for the current Civil War 2 arc and the current Captain America arc. 
> 
> Caveat: I've not read all of the Civil War comics/tie ins. So, some stuff might not be completely canon air-tight. I've not read any Captain America since he was hydra-fied because I refuse. Most of my knowledge of what happens in that arc comes from my ex who owns a comic shop and was willing to answer questions.
> 
> Marvel adores its nebulous timelines, so I did my best to get it all lined up, but your mileage may vary.

When he first sees Steve again—young, _whole_ —Tony is so grateful he doesn't know how to express it. He wants to touch Steve, hug him, hold him, but he knows it wouldn't be welcome. He makes jokes, instead, for lack of a better option.

A small, naive part of Tony—nothing more than a kernel he can't quite suppress—thinks now that Steve's looking like _his_ Steve again, he'll go back to being Steve's Tony.

A look at Steve's face tells him otherwise. There's no going back. There's nothing left that Tony hasn't already destroyed.

~*~

Rhodey's death is like a gunshot to his heart. An ever present wound that can't heal. It aches and aches and _aches_. Rage swells up in him whenever the grief ebbs, even an inch and he wants nothing more than to sleep, to never sleep again, to drink, to scream. He can't do any of those things, doesn't have the energy, not right now. He sits, instead, and stares at the wall, waiting for the will to move to return.

He allows himself a few hours to wallow. He can't afford more than that. He can't exactly afford this either, but lets himself have it anyway.

Tony closes his eyes, wishes he had a friend to go to, right now, but he doesn't. Not really. The kids need him strong. Carol...he can't think about her without anger bubbling up in his gut. Steve...Tony sighs. It's pointless think about all the things, people he no longer has.

~*~

Tony's barely had the time to breathe between losing Rhodey and when Carol gets Bruce killed. He couldn't even keep it together in front of the kids on the way back home. The only thing that kept him from completely losing it was Steve. Steve, who put aside everything between them and had offered him a few moments of comfort. Everything's falling apart and Tony can't do enough to stop it.

He knows the look on her face. Seen it way too many times when looking in the mirror. She's got to be right or everything's her fault. Tony sighs, because he knows how it will all end up. He's a futurist. He can't help knowing what Carol's next move will be anymore than he can help knowing what's going to happen with Clint's trial.

Tony thinks about what he's going to say on the stand, wondering if he can say anything that will make a difference. He can't think of a thing. He can only say what's he knows in heart to be true.

Pulling the phone from his pocket, he scrolls through contacts and lands on Steve's name. He wants to talk to him, just to hear him tell Tony he's doing the right thing. Tony knows all too well where this is headed. He can't bear to be on the opposite side of Steve, not again.

Tony pockets his phone again, leans his head back up against the wall, and tries to pull himself together long enough study the data on Ulysses again.

~*~

Tony finds the footage without meaning to, without looking for it at all. Part of him, a part he's ashamed even exists, wishes he never found it. He doesn't have time for it. (He'll make time for it.) Tony's got his head and hands filled with dealing with Carol, Clint's upcoming trial. Figuring out Ulysses. Doing his best not to break down over Rhodey. Over Bruce. He can't deal with this. He can't. But he has to. There's no one else Tony trusts to deal with it.

He replays the three minute file. Watches Steve say Hail Hydra. Watches him kick a man off a plane. Watches his world crumble. He wants it the footage to be fake, doctored. Wants the Steve he sees on the film to be a mask, a mutant, anything but Steve Rogers. _His Steve Rogers_.

The footage is real. Every instinct he has tells him that this is Steve. Tony sits back in his chair, closes his eyes, and doesn't fight the tears.

It's something to do with Kobik, he thinks. Something must have happened when Steve was made young again, given back the serum.

The question is, what to do about it. Tony freezes the footage on Steve's face, uncompromising, cold, and shivers. There's nothing for it, Tony decides. He'll have to track down Barnes. If Kobik is where it started, it'll be where it ends.

″What am I going to do?″ Tony asks the empty room. He needs to find away to keep track of Steve without raising his suspicions. The answer to his question comes to him quickly, his brain pitilessly offering him a perfect solution.

 _'I want a drink,'_ he thinks. He gets to his feet, grabs his coat, and walks himself to the nearest meeting.

~*~

He finds himself at Steve's hours later. The meeting helped. Tony's glad he went, but now he needs to do what he has to do. Putting it off won't make anything easier, even if it feels like it well.

″Tony,″ Steve greets when he opens the door. His posture is stiff, and Tony can't tell if it's because he's unwelcome or if Steve's concluded the only reason Tony would visit is due to trouble.

Tony offers a weak smile. ″Steve. Hello. I know it's unusual for me to show up at your door uninvited without it being about business, but I'd like to talk to you, if you don't mind. May I come in?″

″Of course,″ Steve replies, posture relaxing at Tony's words. ″Go sit down in the living room. I'll get us both a cup of coffee. I'm assuming you'll need it for our talk.″

″That'd be great, Steve,″ Tony says, grateful for momentary reprieve. He knows what he needs to do, to say, but getting there is easier said than done.

It's not until he's got a hot mug in his hand, staring at Steve across the coffee table that he speaks again.

″I've been having a hard time,″ Tony says, not looking up from his half-empty mug. He sends a silent prayer for forgiveness to his friend for what he's about to say. ″With Rhodey's death.″ He takes a sip of his coffee.

″It's always hard when we lose friends,″ Steve says, sympathetic. There's a level of detachment in his voice that Tony can't tell if he should attribute it to Steve being Steve or something else. They both just lost Bruce, too. ″James Rhodes was a good man.″

Tony nods. This is harder than he expected. He swallows down the disgust at himself for using this, but he has to. And it's true besides. ″The best.″

″I'm sorry I'm not very good at giving comfort,″ Steve says, and Tony looks up. There's the opening he's looking for. He takes a moment to hate himself before he gets up and moves over to where Steve's sitting on the couch. He sits down beside Steve, and puts the now-empty mug on the coffee table. He looks at Steve and almost, almost chickens out on what he needs to do.

″Well,″ Tony says, voice tremulous. ″There is something you can do.″ He shifts forward and presses his lips against Steve. This is it, the test. If Steve's really his Steve, he'd push Tony away for any number of reasons: disgust at who Tony is, because of everything that's happened between them, because Tony knows that Steve still hasn't forgiven him, because Steve would never take advantage of him even if he were inclined to accept Tony's advances. Some part of Tony's heart breaks when Steve kisses back. There's a large, warm hand holding the back of his head, and arm around his back. _Of course_ , Tony thinks as he lets Steve press him against the couch cushions, _this would be the only way this would happen._

~*~

Tony manages about an hour of sleep before he wakes up. He looks down at Steve, asleep and curled around him, and is grateful that he he didn't wake him up with a nightmare.

It hits him, then, as he's wrapped up in Steve's arms, in Steve's bed, with traces of Steve's all over his body, _inside_ his body, that when he finally gets Steve back to himself, there won't be any way of fixing things. Allowing Steve to use him as a mark, allowing Steve to think he's manipulating Tony, just to buy himself time isn't going to be something Steve will forgive. Especially not fast on the heels of Tony's last betrayal.

A tear falls down his cheek before he can stop it. He just can't stop fucking up where Steve's concerned. Tony would like if he could save Steve once, just once, without hurting him at the same time. All he has to look forward to is a world without Rhodey, without Bruce. One where he can't look at Carol without anger and resentment. One where Steve hates him for everything Tony's ever done, for good, this time.

″Hey.″ Tony looks down and sees Steve's awake and staring at him. An expression of worry on his face so genuine that if Tony didn't know what he knows, he'd believe it with every inch of him.

Tony swallows thickly. ″Hey yourself.″

″Come here,″ Steve says, tugging Tony more fully into his arms. ″What do you need from me, Tony?″ Steve presses a kiss to his forehead, to his cheek, to his lips. Tony closes his eyes and lets himself pretend, just for a moment, that this is real.

″This,″ Tony murmurs against Steve's chest. ″Just this.″

~*~

The trial is brutal in a way that Tony can't protect himself from. He feels every single jagged edge cut into his heart. Barton will go free, and nothing he can say will change that. He's not even sure if he really wants Barton in jail so much as he wants it to have all never have happened. He blames Carol, that goddamned kid, himself for not being able to stop it.

Tony stays over at Steve's almost every night during the trial. He tries not to flinch when Steve looks at him all warm and welcoming, except for the hint of calculation in his eyes. Ever the goddamned tactician.

Once upon a time, Tony had fantasized about this. About being with Steve. About spending their nights together eating, watching movies, making love. It had always been nothing more than a dream, an impossibility he allowed himself to wallow in when everything else in his life had gone to hell. Now he has a farce masquerading as his deepest, most fondest wish.

He can almost hear Rhodey laugh, saying, _″If that isn't the most damned Tony Stark luck I've ever heard.″_

Though, and Tony knows this deep in his soul, the truth is this was the only way it could have happened. Steve would have never wanted this, and Tony never would have made Steve reject him.

″What do you say to Chinese for dinner?″ Steve asks, jolting Tony from his thoughts. He's got a phone in his hand, and an open, earnest expression on his face.

″Sounds great, Steve,″ Tony tries to sound at least slightly less miserable than he feels. 

Steve comes over, drops a kiss to his lips, and squeezes his shoulder. ″I'll get your favorites.″

Tony watches him and aches. He needs to track down Barnes before this breaks him.

~*~

″Talk to me, Tony,″ Steve says, pressing a small kiss to his bare shoulder. He's curled around him, skin sex-sweat damp and warm. Tony lets himself sink into it, lets himself enjoy it for a few moments.

″What about?″ Tony asks. Steve's hand is pressing against his chest, his voice warm against his ear, and their legs are tangled together beneath the sheets. It's almost everything Tony's ever fantasized about.

Steve shifts behind him. ″Tell me what you're working on these days.″ Reality asserts itself in the cruelest of ways.

Tony swallows. ″It's boring.″

″Remember when I used to visit the workshop and you used to ramble to me about your projects?″ Steve says, gently rubbing Tony's skin absently with his hand. ″I miss those days.″

Tony closes his eyes, knows if all his plans to help Steve fail, he doesn't want to survive the fallout. He opens his mouth, and tells him.

~*~

Tony barely has time to process the outcome of the trial when Friday gives him the data on Ulysses. It's worse than he anticipated, but not by much.

He stares at data streams and wonders how to play this all out. He has a few options and all of them are awful.

″Tony, I think I've found a bead on Barnes,″ Friday says, a location popping up on a monitor. ″He's been more difficult than normal to track. If I didn't know better, I'd take it personal.″

″He's quite skilled at staying hidden when he wants to be,″ Tony mutters. He wants to go after him right now, but it's not the right time or the right way. He still has the matter of Ulysses to deal with. The only bright spot, as far as Tony can tell, is that the spectacular, inevitable fallout will provide him with a solid reason to go to ground for a while. The only tricky part will be to get Steve to follow. _First things fucking first_ , Tony thinks, not wanting to do anything right now but wallow.

Tony sighs, rubbing the bridge of his nose. ″All right, let's call us a meeting and get this over and done with before things get worse.″

~*~

″If you tell me to stop...I will,″ Tony says, lies. He might've meant it, if Steve were still his Steve. He'd have wanted to mean it, at any rate.″Because I've learned, finally, after all these years...I'm going to listen to Steve Rogers.″ Tony looks at Steve for the first time since he started talking and wonders what he's thinking. Wonders if Steve attributes Tony's declaration to their friendship, to the fact they're currently fucking, wonders what it would've meant if Steve was _his_ Steve, wonders if it means anything to Steve at all beyond having attained a level of success with his current mark.

″Tony, are you absolutely, one hundred percent sure about all of this?″ Steve asks, his voice firm. He doesn't sound so much like he disbelieves Tony so much as he wants to confirm what Tony believes to the room.

″Would I call us all together like this if I _wasn't?_ Do you think I want to be in a room with ″Big Hair″ after what her people did to me and my life?″ Tony has to swallow down the rage at the thought of Rhodey being gone to even start to speak again. ″But—and here's the thing, Steve—the last time there was such a strong moral line in the sand between us...you and I—″ Tony stops speaking for a moment. It hurts to think about all the times they stood opposite each other. Each incident feels like an accusation against him, a failure of his that he can never undo, never hope to make up for. The worst of which is still ongoing.″I don't want to do anything like that ever again. Not with you, not with her, not with anybody. But...″

″She's forcing your hand,″ Strange finishes.

Technically, but so woefully incomplete. ″The _FACTS_ are forcing my hand!″ And that was more true than Tony wants to admit. The facts of Carol's actions in the face of Ulysses. The facts of what he saw on that film of Steve. The facts of how his best friend was dead and never coming back. The facts of how a friend of his was dead by the hand of another friend. The fact that this was only the beginning and about to get worse.

The meeting ends much as Tony suspects it will and he's left more or less in the same place he started. Carol's not going to stop. Steve's mostly on board. No one's really changed their minds so much as become more firmly entrenched in their positions. They're still headed for another war. The signs are all there. He wishes to god they weren't, but he can't ignore what's sitting in front of his face.

 

″Tony,″ Steve says, edging closer to him after most everyone else has left. ″How are you holding up?″

Quirking a half-assed smile, Tony shrugs. ″I'll live. This is going to be bad, Cap. Really bad.″

″Can't be that bad,″ Steve says, giving him a little nudge under his chin. ″We're on the same side this time.″

Like little else in the world, Tony wishes that were true. ″Yeah. We'll fight this together, right?″

″That's my Tony,″ Steve says. He glances around a moment, then ducks in to give Tony a quick kiss. ″I'll see you later tonight.″

″Yeah,″ Tony replies, dreading it as much as he longs for it. ″Looking forward to it.″

~*~

″Tony,″ Steve says, and he has to stop himself from flinching. Steve always talks after sex. Tony wonders if this is a Steve thing in general or if it's just because Steve thinks this is when Tony'll be most pliable.

He rolls over, and makes himself look Steve in the eye. ″Yeah, Steve?″

″Have you changed your overrides lately? With Carol behaving this way, I don't want anything to put you at risk.″ It's a reasonable thing to ask. A Steve thing to ask.

Tony nods. ″Yeah, I did that earlier.″

Steve smiles, then. ″Good. Is my override still the same or do I have to learn a new code?″

″It's still good,″ Tony says, and wishes it were a lie. ″Don't worry, Captain Handsome.″

Steve laughs and Tony can't help but wonder if there could be a more perfect weapon to destroy him. He doesn't think so.

~*~

The only bright side of the dust up with Carol's forces is that no one died. Tony spares a moment to think of how fast his stocks will torpedo as soon as word of an arrest warrant for him gets out, but he's got more pressing concerns at the moment.

″Tony,″ Steve says, reaching over and squeezing his shoulder. ″We need to get to a safe house for the night. It'll give us a chance to regroup and figure out a plan for what to do next.″

It's precisely the plan Tony has in mind, so he nods. ″Yeah. We don't need Captain Trigger Happy to add another few names to her list.″

Tony's grateful he's got a few bolt holes not tied to his company or financials in various places. They head over to one that's near where Friday projects Barnes will be soon.

The place is clean, dry, and has a tiny kitchenette with a minor stock of provisions.

″This should tide us over until we can come up with a more long-term plan,″ Tony says, letting his armor drop to a pile on the floor. He steps over it and makes a bee-line to the mini-fridge for a bottle of water. He grabs another and tosses it over to Steve, who catches it deftly.

″Are you still set on going public with what Carol's doing?″ Steve asks, riffling through the cabinets for food and coming up with a box of powerbars.

Tony shrugs. ″I think I have to. I'm not sure what else could put sufficient enough leverage to get to her to even pause, never mind stop. Why, Cap, concerns?″

″A few,″ Steve admits. He peels open two bars and practically swallows them whole. ″I don't want it to turn into another catalyst for a new SHRA.″

″Well,″ Tony says with a heavy sigh. It's a fair point, and one he's thought about. ″The truth is, I'm more worried people will think it's a good thing. As long as it's only affecting us. Look at what happened with Clint's trial.″

″Hawkeye didn't deserve jail time,″ Steve says, and Tony feels his hands curl into fists. In his better moments, he agrees. Most of him, however, wants _someone_ to pay for what happened to his friend. Worse is knowing that this is something Steve would say, even if he wasn't compromised.

″What's the game plan, Cap?″ Tony asks, suddenly more exhausted than ever. Even if Steve is compromised, Tony can at least trust in his self-preservation instincts.

″For now, you should stay out of sight. Carol's not going to back down on wanting to take you in,″ Steve says, and it's true. Carol won't back down if backing down means acknowledging she's wrong. ″I might give Hill a call and see if I can negotiate with them to rescind the order.″ Steve looks over at Tony, something complicated flits across his face. ″Even with all we know about this Ulysses person, I still feel like we're flying blind.″

Tony sighs. ″Yeah, I've come to wonder if acting on his visions impacts him somehow. Makes them more powerful. I don't like that his power's changed. Going from just experiencing them himself to letting all of us experience what he experienced in such a relatively short period of time...it worries me. We have no idea if his powers will change again, and if so, how.″

″Nothing's going to happen tonight,″ Steve says, tossing the now empty box of powerbars into the trash. ″We should take the time to rest up. The next few weeks will be busy. ″

″Let's just hope he doesn't have a vision of where we are now,″ Tony quips, lips curling in a weary smile.

Steve shakes his head, tugging Tony over to air mattress that'll serve as their bed. ″Don't tempt fate, Tony.″

When his back hits the mattress, Tony bounces a little. Steve smiles, then, eyes crinkling. Tony tugs him down, kissing him hungrily. Everything's going to hell and Tony can't do anything to stop it, so he might as well enjoy the ride down.

Steve pulls back, staring down at him with an expression Tony can't decipher. It's intense, and he wants to look away, but can't. He wants every single moment of Steve's attention he can get, even if it's wrong, tainted, because he knows when Steve's himself again, he'll probably never see this face again without seeing hate in Steve's eyes. ″Tony,″ Steve whispers as he leans down to kiss Tony again. It's soft, tender in a way Tony finds almost unbearable. He closes his eyes and revels in it.

~*~

″Tony,″ Steve says, his voice a whisper in Tony's ear. ″I want to ask you something.″

Steve's arms are around him, body pressing against his back, cock still hard and inside him. Tony shifts just enough to look over his shoulder at Steve's face, serious and intent. ″Now?″ He clenches around Steve's cock as if to punctuate how ridiculous he feels the timing is. ″You want to ask me something _now_?″

″Yes,″ Steve says after a quick kiss to his lips. ″It's important. I want you to trust me. I want you to let me protect you. Will you trust me to do that?″

He swallows thickly around the lump in his throat. It's not _real_ , Tony's brain reminds him. Steve doesn't say anything in response to Tony's silence, just presses more kisses on his shoulders, his neck. Rubs his hands along Tony's skin, and shifts minutely inside of him. Nothing in the world can undo him like Steve can. He takes a shaky breath, knowing his he has to respond.

Tony tries to tell himself he doesn't have tears in his eyes when he answers, honest and heartbroken, ″Yes, of course, Steve. I love you.″

~*~

It's late when he wakes to an alert from Friday. Barnes is nearby and he can't afford to miss him. Tony is near silent as he rolls off the mattress and gets dressed. Steve's still asleep, and will likely stay that way as long as Tony doesn't make too much noise. They had sex three times, and Steve always sleeps like the dead if they go more than one round.

He drops a note on the pillow on the bed in case Steve wakes when he's gone, and leaves.

Tony finds Barnes five miles away, ducking out of a hole-in-the-wall store. ″James,″ he says, ″I need to talk to you.″

He can see the lines of Barnes' shoulders tense, poised to strike if he deems Tony a threat. ″Stark.″

″I know what you're protecting,″ Tony says, and Barnes turns to face him, eyes suspicious. ″I'm glad. I wouldn't trust practically anyone else.″

″I'm not handing over anything,″ Barnes says. He crosses his arms across his chest, defensive.

Tony nods. Barnes doesn't trust him with it. Good. Tony wouldn't trust himself with it either. ″I'm not asking you to, but there is something I need you to see.″

Barnes searches his face for a moment, nods, then comes closer. ″I don't have much time, so get on with it.″

″I'm sorry,″ Tony prefaces, pulling up the vid. He watches Barnes face instead of the footage. He doesn't want to see it again. ″It's not a fake.″

Barnes' expression hurts to watch, a quiet devastation that can't quite be put into words. ″What. What is this?″

″I think,″ Tony says, because he's gone over the possibility, every single terrible possibility, and only one fits. ″This happened when Steve was restored. Something went wrong.″

Understanding flashes in Barnes' eyes quicker than Tony expects, like this explanation fits with knowledge Barnes has that Tony lacks. ″Yes. Okay,″ Barnes says, eyes flicking over to Tony for a moment. ″Where's Steve now?″

″We're holed up at safe house of mine,″ Tony answers. ″It's close by. I ducked out once I was sure he was sleeping.″

Barnes nods. ″I need you to give me a few days to prepare. I'll send word where to meet when I'm ready. Come alone, but get him to follow you.″

″And you'll have everything prepared?″ Tony asks. If Steve senses a trap and goes to ground, it'll be all the more harder to draw him out, especially if Barnes needs to stay downwind of SHIELD.

Rolling his eyes, Barnes just snorts. ″I know how Steve works. Just try not to be obvious you want him to follow. You don't need lessons in being sketchy, Stark.″

Tony ignores the jab. ″All right. I'll be waiting. I may have to switch safe houses if Carol finds me, but I figure you'll find a way to get word to me anyhow.″

Barnes smirks, giving him a sloppy, sarcastic salute. ″Get back before Steve wakes up and gets suspicious.″

~*~

When Tony gets back, Steve's still in bed, but Tony's note is missing from his pillow. He places the food he picked up on the counter and another bag joins it, this one with clothes and a couple of boxes of hair dye.

″Don't tell me you plan on going blond again,″ Steve says, boxing Tony in against the counter, arms on either side of him.

Tony gives him a tired smile. ″Maybe.″

″You should've woken me up. I'd have gone with you,″ Steve says, poking through the bag with one hand.

Shrugging, Tony says, ″You looked too peaceful to wake.″

Steve ducks in and gives Tony a quick kiss to his lips. ″Next time, wake me.″

″Sure thing, Cap,″ Tony agrees, not meaning a word of it, and obviously so. ″Hey, you hungry for something more substantial than power bars? I brought back breakfast.″

Steve smiles at him, and Tony's stomach clenches. ″Thanks, Tony.″

~*~

The time waiting for Barnes to get back to him inches along. Carol's forces snag another two people who may or may not eventually deserve it. Tony itches to do something, but there's nothing he can do until he gets Steve sorted.

Steve's meeting with Director Hill went much as Tony suspected it would: poorly. He doesn't point out to Steve that Hill would gladly string Tony up for no other reason than for the pure pleasure of it. Though, Tony's pretty sure Hill probably said as much herself going by the mood Steve comes back in later that evening.

″That kid had another vision,″ Steve says, poking angrily at his beef lo mein. ″Hill wasn't saying much, but she let slip that a few agents ended up in the hospital.″

Tony pinches the bridge of his nose, pushing the crab rangoon away. ″I tried to tell her.″

″I know, Tony.″ Steve busies himself with eating after that, and Tony can't help but wonder if Steve's really angry about what Carol and Hill are doing or if he's pretending. If Steve wants to stop it before Ulysses reveals who he thinks he is and loyal to or if he wants to get his hands on the kid to use him to his own ends. Thinking about Steve as an enemy hurts his head, his heart. Every time he tries, something in him skitters away.

In a few more days, it won't matter, he reminds himself. Steve will be back to who he really is and Tony...Tony will have lost him, again. Shouldn't he be used to that by now? Shouldn't Tony be inured to the reality of doing something he knows will cost him the few morsels he regained with Steve? He has to do it. _That's how you always justify it,_ says an ugly voice inside of him.

Tony stops eating before he gets sick, and watches Steve instead, greedy for every last moment he can have.

~*~

Tony reaches for Steve as soon as it's even vaguely acceptable in the evening. There's a hint of surprise on Steve's face when he does, but he responds easily enough. Tony hasn't initiated anything between them, not since that first time, that first night. Letting Steve choose seems like the lesser of two evils, but tonight he's lonely and heartsore and can't stop himself even if he should.

Steve bears him down to the mattress, eager and playful. He smiles as he kisses Tony. Makes a game of getting Tony to moan. He gets Tony needy for his touch, desperate for him to move. He laughs when Tony clutches at Steve's shoulders, pressing his heels against Steve's thighs. Kisses him when Tony begs.

″I've got you,″ Steve says, rolling his hips smooth and slow. Tony feels Steve in every inch of his skin and knows it to be true.

″Don't worry,″ Steve murmurs, letting his lips tickle at Tony's damp skin. ″I've got you.″

It's nothing more than the truth, after all.

~*~

It's close to dawn when he hears from Barnes again. He looks down at Steve, still asleep, arm curled over the empty place where Tony used to be, and wishes he could crawl back inside, and let Steve hold him one last time.

He brushes a lock of Steve's hair away from his forehead. _″I love you,_ ″ he thinks. ″Goodbye,″ he says sadly, quietly, as if not meaning to be heard.

Tony dresses quickly, casting one last look at Steve, and heads toward his meet up with Barnes. He tries not to worry about what will come after today. All he needs to do is focus on the plan. He's laid the trail of breadcrumbs.

Steve will follow.

~*~

″Keep outta trouble, Stevie, jeez,″ Barnes says, giving Steve a hug. He can't stay long, especially not with Kobik in tow. Who, apparently, was responsible for Tony getting the footage in the first place.

Tony hangs back. He's tempted to just duck out, run away from the fallout, but one look from both Steve and Barnes has him rooted to the spot.

″You too, Bucky,″ Steve says, gripping Barnes' shoulder. ″You ought to get out of here. I don't know how soon before someone tracks us down. Don't want you getting mixed up in all of that.″

Barnes gives Steve a smile, Tony a nod, and then leaves them both there with nothing but an awkward silence between them.

Steve walks over to him and Tony braces himself for the fallout he knew was coming. It doesn't make it any easier, though, and Tony just wants to fly away from the impact.

″You saved me,″ Steve starts, brow furrowed. ″I don't know what would have happened if you hadn't found a way to save me. I already did things I can't take back.″

″Steve,″ Tony says, not wanting to hear anything close to _praise_. What he did, what he had to do, it was necessary, yes, but still unforgivable. ″I...don't thank me.″

Steve stepped closer, putting one hand on Tony's shoulder. ″I know why you did what you did. It was...″ Steve stops for a moment. ″It was what it was.″

Tony feels the tears pooling in his eyes again. Rhodey's gone and Bruce is gone and part of him hates Carol for everything and now he's going to lose Steve. He just knows it. ″I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I didn't know what else to do. I didn't know how else to do it.″

Steve's face is complicated, but he pulls Tony into his arms, and he goes without a fight. ″Tony, shh. It's ...it'll be okay. I understand. I'm sorry, too.″

″What?″ Tony's question is muffled against Steve's chest. Steve apologizing is wrong, jarring. He doesn't understand.

″I can remember what I felt, what I'd been thinking. When you came to me that first night, I was so pleased. A perfect opportunity.″ Steve's grip around him gets tighter, as if it hurts to think about it. ″It had messed with my memories as a child, but it didn't take away everything that came after. I knew what I should do. What would make me good and loyal, but I'd...″ Steve stops, pulls back enough so Tony can see his face. ″I'd planned on trying to convince you to side with me. I didn't want to let you go. I didn't want to hurt you.″

″You wanted to keep me,″ Tony says, remembering all the things Steve whispered into his skin in the dark.

Steve nods. ″I wanted to keep you.″

″I would've said yes,″ Tony confesses without meaning to. ″If I didn't know, and you had asked, I would have said yes. I wouldn't have actually been loyal. Not to Hydra, but I would've said yes to you. I—I would've done anything, if it meant having a chance to save you.″

″Tony,″ Steve says, pulling him close again. ″I'm sorry. I feel like I took advantage of you.″

″It was the other way around,″ Tony replies, because the last thing he wants is Steve to feel guilty. ″I knew you were compromised. I knew that meant you'd say yes to me when I came to you that night.″

″And I knew you loved me,″ Steve says. There's something troubled in Steve's voice, when he starts again. ″When I asked you for your secrets, you gave them to me. When I asked about your work, you told me about it. You kept my override codes active. You didn't protect yourself from me at all.″

″I couldn't,″ Tony admits, honest with Steve in a way more painful than pretending has ever been. ″I just couldn't make myself.″

″I love you, too, you know,″ Steve says. He pulls away only enough so he can kiss Tony's mouth, deep and desperate. ″I need you to know that, after all these years, and everything that's happened between us. I love you. Always have.″

″Steve,″ Tony cries. It's too much and he doesn't deserve it. ″You can't.″

″I can. I do.″ Steve kisses him again, holds his face like he's precious. ″I always will.″

Tony clutches at Steve's hands, but doesn't pull away. ″I'm a mess. Everything's falling apart. Me especially. I don't know how to fix it.″

″We'll do it together,″ Steve says, meaning every word. ″This time, Tony, let's do it together. Promise me.″

Tony kisses Steve again, puts every ounce of love he feels in it, and says, meaning it with his whole heart, ″I promise.″


End file.
